Squirrels, Vampires and Crows: Part One

Squirrels, Vampires and Crows: Part One

Let’s say I am a vampire, I have to drink blood in order to survive.  I have to avoid direct sunlight.  What else?  No Holy Water – in my mind since we would all die without water then all water must be kind of Holy – but that’s another argument.

And there is the Crucifix stuff.  Maybe I could be a Jewish or Muslim or even a Buddhist vampire?  Are all vampires Christian?  If they are, doesn’t that say something about Christianity?

I could be an Atheist vampire and avoid the whole vulnerability of religiously oriented threats.  Historically all the vampire shit I think (I alone have put together this connection) started with some dude called Vlad the Impaler.  Ole Vlad had some truly harsh habits, one of them being cruel in the most cruel manner – like impaling  persons who did not live up to some criterion that about was as cruel as it could possibly be.  One nasty, nasty dude.

Actually I just like the nom du obserd “Vlad the Impaler”.  If I was an MMA fighter, that’s the title I’d use in the octagon.

This bit of psychologically unstable historical behavior gets all promoted and twisted around by a young writer looking for a big paycheck – his name being Bram Stoker.  OF course the most vulnerable people as regards unverifiable hysterical paranoia are the ones who either can’t read or won’t read – ‘cause it hurts their small brains … maybe?  That’s a personal judgment, I realize, but it’s my blog.

So they never actually read Stoker’s stuff or they might have noticed that it is fiction.  This is pretty obvious in the first few paragraphs.  Ya gotta think just a little bit – first – and the whole notion starts falling apart even if you’ve never read Stoker.  That’s obvious from all the stuff I’ve written above.  Including the wooden steak through the heart as to how to kill a vampire.  I’ve had some bad overcooked steaks in my life – really cooked into a slab of wood.  But you couldn’t drive one of those through soft butter.

Wait … wait!  That’s stake.  Like a tent stake.  Okay, okay you could use one of those – if you like sharpened it.  That would work.  I guess I’ve had that all wrong for years.  But still???  Why a wooden (always wooden, never just wood – can I ask what the difference is?) stake.  Seems to me a nice stainless steel stake would work pretty good.  Maybe just a huge Bowie knife.  Which all doesn’t seem to be quite enough justice since ole Vlad used to drive the wooden stake all the way from butt to noggin though his disappointments.

And finally how did we go from Vlad and drinking all that blood (which incidentally drinking blood will make you pretty sick … ask any Doctor) to books and movies about vampires being all nice and hero-like?  These were evil, bad like, really evil bad bad people.  The villains of villains.  Everybody was out to kill them.  Where’d they get the white hats?

Of course it’s all a matter of money.  Take the villains and give them a whitewash and trot ‘em out on stage again.  Then come up with some new villains to take out the what were villains.  The truth is no one will ever come up with a bad guy as bad as the original bad Vlad guy who started it all.

So on the matter of crows … I think crows are cool as hell.  Crows are like the cool bad boys of birds.  The bird radical skateboarders of the avian world.  Not just black, crows are shiny oily black.  I’d love to get that effect on my motorcycle.  Something very uniquely crowyness about crows.  Crows seem to be like vultures, just better dressed.  They appear to be able to eat anything.  Survive even the worst winters.  Laugh at crappy weather and scarcity.

Now if you could cross-breed crows and vampires, you’d have a pretty tough brand of dudes to deal with.   Or, MMA fighter.