Why Does It Always End With A Bar Scene?
There is a crime, a plot that involves somebody really
screwing up and people getting shot or hurt or generally fubar’d (fucked up beyond all recognition – from the movie Die
Hard 1 or 5 or one of them).
Sometimes all of these. Greed, revenge is a big one – always revenge,
getting even. “You killed my sister’s
cousin’s girlfriend’s cute little dog.
Yer gonna pay for thet! Shot him
like a dog! Wait he was a dog. Okay, you
shot him like a squirrel! Nobody shoots
my sister’s cousin’s girlfriend’s cute little dog like a squirrel and gits away
with it!”
Sidenote: Can a squirrel shoot a dog? Can you shoot a dog like a squirrel? I don’t think the squirrel’s little arms are
long enough … Maybe that is supposed to
be, “shoot a dog like the dog was a squirrel.”
That makes more sense. End
sidenote.
Something like that. A
7/11 or bank or ATM machine robbery gone wrong.
Something like diamonds or highly secret government weapons, like a new
75 tool Swiss Army knife that includes a thumb drive AND a magnifying glass -
and maybe a missal launcher. Frequently
it’s radioactive and is threatening downtown Cleveland Heights.
The hero is a cop, FBI Agent, NSA ninja. He’s a tall; we are
led to believe he’s tall (he’s never
short, that’s for sure), no-nonsense dark haired (seems like he’s always dark
haired … and really nice hair (we are led to believe)) manly man.
If he’s black, his head is always (and I mean always)
shaved. Dome like black chrome. And
if he’s black he always (nearly always) wears a moustache and goatee that is trimmed – trimmed like by a diamond
cutter. No living man can trim his own
beard like that. It’s just plain
impossible.
And he’s nearly always broody. Dark and broody. He’s got crime on his mind and nothin’
else. He hates crime with a
passion. The only thing he lives for is
gettin’ the crimers (criminals) and
puttin’ ‘em away. To do hard time for their heinous crime. If he’s married, he’s divorced. Just can’t keep a relationship together.
Now if the hero is
a heroine, she’s pretty much the same
in all ways except there is more latitude with the hair color. And even though she has feminine arms, like
sticks sometimes, she is wa-a-ay strong with super-kung pow karate skills.
She can take apart any man no matter how huge he is. She could take apart Robocop like he was
dried pasta. If her partner is a man and he can lift a car, she can lift a truck. If he can lift a truck, she can lift a space
station and throw it into orbit.
You don’t mess with that chick.
If she’s married, she’s divorced because she just can’t a relationship together.
Of course either way, the hero/heroine has a team.
Always a team. Got yer screwed up Army/Navy/Marine (Marines
are really popular) guy (almost always a guy).
He’s in AA or some kind of therapy and has a rage problem. Generally
there’s the nerd, who can hack into anything from the London Bank
to space satellites. Almost always a guy and he’s so nerdy he strikes you as a forty year old
virgin type. Then there’s the token
black person, also usually a guy, but sometimes she’s a she and so damn
beautiful traffic stops when she’s anywhere near a street.
Everybody always hittin’
on the black chick, from the all the other chicks on the cast to like lampposts
and the K-9 corpse dogs. But she’s just not interested, because she was married and she just can’t keep a relationship together.
Throw in the bald supervisor,
who’s always pissed about something –
or everything, just never quite sure what – but he (or she, sometimes he’s a
she, and if she’s a she, she is nearly always a black she – who is usually
overweight) is pissed. Every episode, or act (?), if it’s a movie, has
to have a scene where the boss reams
everybody out. He (she) is going to take the hero/heroine’s badge
and gun for screwing up again. But does the hero/heroine stop the investigation? Does a bear in the zoo, shit in his
cage? Hah! NEVER! (Well, of course the bear shits
in his cage, but the hero/heroine never
stops … not shitting in the cage (that’s the bear - never mind) …) (frequently
the bear in the zoo, shits in his cage just when you are standing there with
your five year old grand-daughter. Now why
is that?)
Every freakin’
time!
Okay … so we got our cast
of psychologically messed up good guys. Now we move on to our bad guys. The crime doesn’t
really matter. ‘Cause whatever it is,
it’s always really heinous. Like super-di-duper
bad. “And he/they (sometimes she) just has to be stopped.”
Hair. Used to be hats, white hats and black hats. Now it’s hair. Good guys have incredible hair, good women (sorry about the chicks thing, but “hey!” I’m just trying
to stay “street”) have just plain amazing hair. Venus would envy such hair. In real life it would take at least three
heads to grow that much hair. And either
the hero or heroine could have a gun fight in a running car wash with jets
spewing axle grease and their hair would remain just amazing.
Bad guys always have bad
hair. Or, they are kind of bald,
never shaved heads, but kind of like homeless
guy bald. If the bad guy is a she, she stills has amazing hair. For some
reason women can be extremely villainous, but the hair quotient doesn’t apply to women. I’ve spent a lot of viewing time trying to
figure out the bad guy woman thing,
but it eludes me. They are almost never blonde though, that’s one
thing. And, the bad guy women generally wear like nine inch spiked heel shoes. I mean shoes you could pick ice with, or kill somebody with (which is a plot twist that is even used occasionally).
I don’t know how any person could even walk in those shoes,
let alone climb twenty feet of polished marble like they seem to be able to do
when they have to get away; like early in the show. Later in the show, in the same shoes, when
they need to be caught, they can’t get over a folded newspaper.
The crime occurs; a plot is sort of suggested (a plot that
my cat has figured out within the first ten minutes and is now licking his …) the
hero (person) gets all wrapped up in getting
the bad guy (persons). The boss gets pissed and grabs the hero’s
(person’s) badge and gun. The hero
(person) continues to go after the
bad guy (persons). And, of course, does get them and puts them away to do hard time.
And then everybody meets up in a bar for beers.
Including the Army/Navy/Marine Vet, who is AA (or whatever) (which is
never fully explained). Including a stop-by by the bald boss (or overweight black lady boss)
who stoically congratulates the team
and says he (she) never stopped believing they would get that bad guy (bad guy
woman). Even though the boss has to go into for hernia surgery
soon for being pissed off all the damned
time.
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Dale Clarence Peterson © 2014
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